Content warning: Graphic discussions of sex, sex work, and transphobia
“The Best of Both Worlds”: Can a tranny whore also be a tranny chaser? Or: Toward a trans-centric sexuality. Or: How porn taught me to trust people and love my body.
This is dedicated to the amazing sex I had last weekend, and the beautiful women with whom I had it. Also, many thanks to Mira for clarity and critical thoughts.
Since transition, all but one of the people I’ve dated, hooked up with, or crushed on have been other trans women. I don’t care to reveal that number, but let’s just say I’ve gotten close to a lot of trans women.
Recently, I half-jokingly called myself a “tranny chaser.” My off-hand comment sparked an interesting conversation between me and a friend, who is a gay trans man. The heart of our discussion was this: I am a tranny whore.[i] Can I also be a tranny chaser?
Shemale Fan Clubs: An Introduction to the World of Being Chased
The term ‘tranny chaser’ is used primarily amongst trans women to describe cis men who aggressively seek out sex with trans women. It usually has negative connotations. The prototypical chaser is creepy and misogynistic.
To be sure, such people exist. I’ve even slept with a few of them, when the price was right. For example, this was taken from the FetLife profile of a fan of my porn who recently solicited me:
i’m definitely a straight guy with a slight hint of bi-curiosity since the thought of being with a tg really turns me on.
This dude is in his 50s, in the canadian Armed Forces, and includes “shemales” on his list of fetishes. His profile contained numerous photos of trans women he had collected from across the internet and his profile photo was just his own dick. After I ignored him, he sent five separate messages saying things like: “Baby, I’ll make you feel like a real woman.” (Emphasis added.)
He is a perfect example of typical chaser behavior. I get dozens of these assholes weekly, despite the fact that my profile clearly states, “I’m not interested in dating or casual sex with men, so unless you wanna hire me for a shoot, please don’t contact me.” Their behavior could only be described as stalking.
To be fair, I have met a lot of cis guys who seek out sex with trans women. Many are totally normal dudes. A few even seem quite nice. Only a handful of them meet the stereotypical definition of a chaser like the guys described above. (They generally prefer to be called ‘trans admirers’.) But I’ve noticed a few trends among the people I would call chasers.
One: Many chasers seem to believe that all trans women desire a male lover to affirm our identity as female. Two: Many think that all trans women seek to conform to traditional definitions of femininity. (Both of these assumptions completely erase queer and butch trans female experiences.) Three: They often see trans women as “fake women” or “partially male.”
And yes, they really do have shemale fan clubs. One of them once nominated me for “top t-girl” after I won model-of-the-month. Thanks, guys.
On Being A Walking-Pair-of-Tits-with-a-Dick
Most of my interactions with admirers have taken place within the context of sex work — specifically, the mainstream tranny porn industry and as an escort who advertises as transsexual. This context has certainly shaped my feelings toward cis male admirers.
Tranny porn is extremely objectifying.[ii] I’m largely treated as a floating pair of (petite) boobs with a penis. This is, after all, how they make us an “exotic” niche.
The problems that exist in shemale porn reach their zenith in tranny surprise porn. The plots (if you can call it a plot) of such porns always revolve around a cis male being seduced by a trans woman. The catch? He doesn’t know the woman is trans.
At some point, the cis guy discovers the trans woman’s penis, and is either humiliated or fascinated to discover he’s been “tricked” into fucking a “dude.” Like the term shemale itself, it implies we are always really male underneath — only, with feminine pronouns.
In the industry, trans women who don’t look “real” (cis) enough are made to feel horrible about themselves. Trans women who are willing to conform to cissexist, transmisogynistic beauty standards, even by doing things that are extremely dangerous for our bodies like inject silicone or skip on our hormones, are economically rewarded. With the exception of some fetish porn featuring trans women as dommes, tranny porn predominantly encourages men to relate to trans women as passive sex objects. It also re-centers attention on our genitalia.
I enjoy making porn, even the mainstream kind. I’m not crazy about escorting, but I didn’t hate it either. It can be fun when the client is respectful. But for trans women, many of whom have faced extreme stress and often physical violence related to our passability and/or genitalia, these aspects of tranny porn are extremely disempowering.
The last point — the focus on penises — gets at the central reason why the stereotypical tranny chaser makes me so uncomfortable. On a cultural level, cis men have more power to define trans women than we do. Their insistence on defining us by our genitalia is the heart of cis supremacy and transphobia. It takes away our autonomy, our right to define ourselves how we desire, and reduces our agency to pure biology.
The fact that many of my interactions with cis male admirers occur in the context of sex work perhaps skews my own perceptions. Not all cis men who desire trans women are sexist pigs. Our admirers have a diversity of reasons and motivations for seeking out sex with trans women. However, whether in sex work or not, their desire (and our response to it) is always shaped by a culture based around the idea that men should control women, and that trans female genders are fake.
These assumptions only exist in porn because they are so deeply embedded in our entire society. As a result, there is an imbalance of power between “admirers” and “admired.”
Why Trans Women Are Better Lovers (For Me)
My friend mentioned how much he hates it when other trans guys seek out sex exclusively with trans men. He feels that, regardless of who is doing the desiring, to desire “trans men” as a category (which is different from desiring an individual trans man) is invalidating his identity as a man. In his opinion, to view or treat trans men differently than how you would view or treat cis men is cissexist discrimination — even if it is coming from other trans people.
This is similar to one reason many trans women hate tranny porn. Their argument: There would be no market for tranny porn if trans women were seen as ‘normal’ women. We’d just be in regular porn. (But then I’d probably also make less money! Porn is one of the few, perhaps the only, arenas in which trans women make more money than cis women.)
I don’t agree with this line of reasoning. I think it is possible to distinguish between types of women (or men), and even to desire only certain types of women, but still see them all as women.
I am unequivocally, non-negotiably a woman. I fully understand the need to be affirmed in your lived sex and gender. However, I just don’t think that the assimilationist “we’re just like you” argument works for sexual desire any better than it works in politics. I am not a cis woman, and I shouldn’t have to be understood as a cis woman in order to be considered, or desired as, a woman.
In fact, when my friend asked, “Do any trans women you know define their sexuality as ‘I’m attracted to other trans women?’ ” my first thought was: “Yes, I do!”
Before I transitioned, I almost exclusively had sex with cis women. Now, I am far more likely to fuck trans women. (I’m looking at my sexual desire here, so I’m ruling out sex that I have for other reasons, like money.)
When he asked me why I am more likely to fuck trans women, I did a lot of thinking. Here are a few of the reasons I came up with:
(1) Trans women are my community.
Two of my jobs primarily involve trans women. All of my housemates are trans women. I spend a lot of time volunteering on trans projects. My doctor’s and therapist’s offices are full of trans people. My partner is a trans woman. I made most of my friends through trans activism.
All in all, I spend a lot of time with trans women. It makes sense that I end up falling in love with or sleeping with a large number of other trans women. None of my housemates set out to live in an all-trans woman house, either. It just happened, because we run in the same crowds.
However, that isn’t the only explanation. If I am honest, I do seek out trans women as sexual and romantic partners.
I don’t, like, go to a bar and think, “I’m going to find a trans woman to hook up with tonight.” Nor am I exclusively attracted to trans women. On the contrary, I get crushes on cis girls and genderqueer folks all the freaking time.
But my crushes are more likely to evolve into a serious interest if the target of my flirtation is a trans woman. And if I think a girl is cute, and then I find out that she’s also trans, I’m usually more attracted to her.
Obviously, the main reason I want to fuck any particular individual is because I think they are hot, and because they know how to do things to me that feel good. This is true whether the object of my lust is cis or trans. But whenever I catch myself thinking, “Damn, that girl is hot!” more often than not, she is trans.
I would call my sexuality “trans-centric.” I’m not going to create a trans-only space in my heart and start kicking out all my love for cis people. But my heart stays centered around trans female folks.
So I started thinking about why that is true. And that brought me to the other reasons…
(2) I feel less safe with cis people.
You might even say I’m prejudiced. I wish I weren’t, but it’s the truth. I’ve had a lot of negative experiences with past cis partners, especially cis women. When we tried to fuck, they didn’t treat me like a woman. It was a huge turn-off. At the time, it was even emotionally devastating.
On the other hand, many/most of my trans female lovers have experienced this same form of invalidation. Thus, they usually treat me with greater care. Because of this, I enjoy sex with them a lot more.
I am usually on edge when I am with a cis lover. I become hyper-aware (in a bad way) of my own body. I assume the worst. I assume that they will not see me as a “real” woman. I assume that they will have no idea what to do with my body.
When a cis person shows interest in me, I assume it’s because they are fetishizing me somehow. These paranoid assumptions aren’t healthy. Sometimes I forget that maybe they’re attracted to me just because I’m hot.
In a way, I still harbor resentment and insecurity bred from those early post-transition encounters-gone-wrong. Now, I second-guess the motivations of every potential cis lover. I wish I didn’t. For one thing, such broad generalizations substantially reduce my dating pool, making it harder for me to get laid.
But, regardless, I feel safer with trans women. That’s one reason I prefer fucking them. It’s not exactly a good reason. Because, let me tell you, there are some trans women out there who are 100% as transphobic and cissexist as any cis person.
Not all trans women will validate, understand, or respect my body. I’ve been with trans women who wouldn’t let me take my underwear off because they thought my genitals were “disgusting.” It wasn’t exactly the hottest sex I’ve ever had.
In reality, the qualities I define as desirable/safe can exist — or be absent — in any lover, trans or cis. But my perception that trans women are “safer”, even if inaccurate, is still there. The fact remains that I feel safer with trans women.
And feeling safe is pretty crucial to my sex life. As an easily-triggered trauma survivor, it’s very important for me that I have the utmost trust for whomever I’m sharing my space (and bed) with.
(3) Finding other trans women sexy is empowering.
After a lifetime of being told that trans women are not attractive, when I meet a trans woman who is really hot, it’s kind of like affirming that trans women are sexy. And, by extension, that I can be sexy too.
This doesn’t only apply to pre/non-op or feminine trans women, or only to women who are conventionally attractive by sexist/trans-misogynistic standards. While recognizing that there is vast diversity within these socially-defined categories, I tend to be attracted to people with bodies that were understood (by cis society) as “male” at birth that have been converted to a primarily estrogen-based endocrinology, and who share some basic identity as trans.
Basically, I am turned on by any trans woman — regardless of her genital configuration or other factors — who is confident and comfortable in her body.
I’ve slept with post-op women. I’ve slept with genderqueer trans female people. I’ve slept with trans women who love topping cis women in vaginal sex. I’ve slept with stone butch trans women who didn’t use their genitals at all. I like any trans female person who knows who they are and what they want.
When I meet a hot trans woman, I have no idea what’s between her legs. No one does, even though we might make assumptions. For me, though, I don’t care what is in her pants. (I’m more concerned with getting into them.)
(4) I enjoy fucking bodies that are like mine.
I have no intention to have vaginoplasty anytime soon. I experienced body dissonance before I started hormones. I hated my chest and face. But, even at my most dysphoric, my between-the-legs area was merely annoying. So, for me, right now, it’s not worth the money, effort, pain, or risk.
These days, I am actually extremely content with the shape and function of my body. Yes, I even like my “strapless.” (The one thing I’m not comfortable with currently is calling it a “penis.” I don’t really experience it as a penis, and — after years of hormones — it doesn’t really function the way most penises do. However, sometimes it’s easier just to call it that.)
There is a common idea among trans women — dating back to before Harry Benjamin — that we are supposed to hate our penises, if we have them. Some even say: If we derive sexual pleasure from our penises, we must not be “true transsexuals.”
There is another common belief that trans women are doomed to a life of abstinence-until-surgery because no one thinks a woman with a penis is attractive. If this were true — and it isn’t — where would that leave trans women who don’t want or can never have surgery?
And then, many people, including trans women, erroneously believe that hormone replacement therapy makes it impossible for pre/non-op trans female folks to orgasm. I even believed this, before I transitioned. As someone who wasn’t sure if I wanted or would be able to have bottom surgery, I prepared myself for a lifetime of orgasm-less sex.
When I was a teen, looking at trans woman porn was the first time I ever saw pre/non-op trans female bodies engaged in really hot, amazing sex. After hearing for so long, and believing, that trans women’s penises were supposed to be undesirable and asexual[iii], it was nice to see representation of trans women with penises who were being presented as both desirable and (overly)sexualized.
That was a huge affirmation for me. I’m sure this is partially responsible for my attraction to trans women porn, and to (pre/non-op) trans women in general.
(5) Horizontal recruitment: Building resistance from the bottom-up
There’s one last reason I like fucking trans women.
I used to roll with some wingnut anarcho-punk types. We used to joke that sex was a tool for the revolution. When (relatively) free from patriarchal, heterosexist, transphobic norms, sex can be a great way to create friendships, networks of trust, and tangible affinity — if that’s what all parties involved want out of it, of course.
As a community organizer, that’s basically everything I could ever hope to do. Building community is what I’m all about.
Sex can help us learn about each other intimately. Sometimes it can be just as frustrating as an endless debate over consensus process. But it’s a good way to get close (literally and figuratively) with people who have been through a lot of the same shit that we have. It helps us to heal one another, and to work toward creating something better together.
Having sex with trans women saved my life. It made me feel safer and more comfortable than I thought I knew possible. Of course, their gender wasn’t the only factor — it was crucial that they were also trans women who respected my body exactly how it was, and shared my ethical and political commitments to consent and self-determination. Living life so often feeling uncomfortable in my body and painfully self-conscious in a world that constantly judges my body and my gender, I truly believe I would have killed myself if I hadn’t found sex with trans women.
***
Revisiting Carnal Desires
Most of my reasons for desiring trans women are a byproduct of living in a cissexist/transphobic culture. If we weren’t marginalized, we wouldn’t need to band together as a community. I wouldn’t feel unsafe with potential partners for that reason. Other people wouldn’t be as ignorant about my body. I wouldn’t need the same kinds of reassurance or affirmation.
If trans women weren’t marked as “less human,” perhaps I wouldn’t need to seek them out as partners. Of course, we are marked as less human. So it makes sense that we would seek to partner with one another for all of the reasons I listed.
But even if we weren’t marginalized, is it possible that I would still seek out sex with trans women? In a world where there were no binary gender expectations, a world where we assigned completely different meanings to people’s bodies, would there still be people who prefer to fuck individuals who are born into bodies we would currently label ‘male’ who have used medical procedures we currently label as transsexual technologies (i.e., hormone replacement)?
My first answer is, well, it doesn’t really matter. I live in this world, not a hypothetical one.
But, just for the sake of argument, my second answer is… maybe? Probably? Even in a differently-gendered society, people will probably still assign some kind of meaning to our biological differences. And, thus, people who have similar bodies (and similar experiences while inhabiting those bodies) would share a similar cultural location. Even if that shared social position were located within a more egalitarian system, it makes sense that people with a common cultural location, parallel experiences, and shared communities would wanna get busy.
I’ve asked a few admirers why they categorically seek out sex with trans women. Most of their answers can be summed up in that popular porn tag-line: “Trannys are the best of both worlds!”
There are three reasons I hate this phrase:
(1) The term “both worlds” holds on to the problematic (and false) notion that there are only two genders.
(2) It implies, incorrectly, that all (pre/non-op) trans women are always somewhat male.
(3) Perhaps most importantly, it defines a trans woman’s worth by the presence of “male” parts (penis) and “female” parts (boobs, a stereotypically feminine demeanor). See: “chicks with dicks,” “sluts with nuts”, etc.
All of these assumptions are busted. There are more than two genders, not all trans women are somewhat male, and not all trans women have that type of body.
But, there is nothing inherently wrong with desiring people who do have a penis, boobs, and a stereotypically feminine demeanor.
Under a cissexist society, my desire for that type of body is much different from a cis guy’ attraction to the same type of body. When I desire trans female bodies, it is often as a survival strategy and as a way to find community and affirmation. When cis guys desire trans female bodies, they do so from a position of privilege. They do it in the context of a culture that constantly scrutinizes trans female bodies.
But if those imbalances of power were absent, then anybody’s desire for particular bodies would simply be that: Desire for particular bodies.
Unpacking the Chicks With Dicks Fantasy
Once upon a time, I dismissed all cis male tranny chasers/admirers. But I’m starting to rethink my generalized distrust. They pay my bills a lot, that’s for sure.
Working with a support agency for trans women who are street-based sex workers, I see and experience a lot of violence that is caused by cis men who are sexually attracted to trans women. Every time I picked up an escorting gig, scenes of being killed ran through my head while on my way to the date. Cis men undeniably have far more power and legitimacy in our culture. I’ve accumulated a lot of resentment, fear, and bitterness toward them over the years.
It’s reasonable for me to feel grumpy about it sometimes, even if it isn’t the healthiest or most mature response. It’s one way I deal with the daily trauma that I’m exposed to, a lot of which is caused by cis guys who want to fuck trans women.
I can be extremely sassy toward cis guys who display interest in trans women. And, as someone who is rarely interested in cis guys and almost never involved with them romantically, it’s easy for me to “man-hate.” I can forget that, for a lot of trans women, cis straight guys can also be friends and lovers.
Before I got involved in the tranny porn industry, I made a lot of assumptions about the types of people who make and consume such porn. I assumed that most of them were like the creeps who incessantly sent me annoying e-mails: penis-obsessed and latently homophobic.
The reality, I discovered, is much different. Honestly, some of my cis male admirers are very respectful. A lot of them just message me to say, “Hi, I think you’re pretty.” This is a far cry from the distinguished pattern of harassment characteristic of “the tranny chaser.”
A lot of the time, they are turned on by the thought of a girl with a penis, yes. But it has nothing to do with what they think that body part means. Some of them hold on to the cissexist idea that it means we aren’t women. But many of them see us, and treat us, as women. Their attraction to us is not motivated by cissexist beliefs at all. They make distinctions, but they still see us all as a different type of a woman. Just, a woman with a penis. (Which is what I am.)
In sex work, my admirers think I’m sexy because (and not merely in spite of the fact that) I’m trans. These people, even if they are cis guys, find my body hot without making me feel ashamed of my penis. That can feel empowering and liberating, especially given that so many trans women do make me feel ashamed of my penis.
I’m Not A Chaser, But I Might Be An Admirer
It’s important to distinguish that the oppressive behavior displayed by many tranny chasers is not the same thing as desire for trans women. Showing interest in trans women is not the same thing as aggressively pestering us or assigning unwanted meaning to our body parts.
Everyone in our culture is taught to assign unwanted meaning to trans bodies. Trans women are just as capable of the same oppressive behavior. I don’t appreciate being objectified by anyone, trans or cis. It’s not okay for anyone to reduce me to a body part, treat me like “a guy with boobs,” or chauvinistically harass me over the internet. “Chaser” behavior should never be tolerated.
But after this conversation, I realized that it isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself, to admire trans female bodies, to seek out sex with us, or to treat our bodies as different from cis female bodies.
In my very first professional shoot, the videographer interviewed me so I could introduce myself to the viewers. She asked me, as she’d probably asked dozens of girls before in that stereotypical porn voice, “What’s your favorite – men, women, or trannys?”
Of course, I answered trannys!
Did I say it because I was playing a persona that was created entirely to satisfy the fantasies of cis men? Yes. Is the phrasing of that question Othering and potentially denigrating of trans-female womanhood? Yes.
Did I still fucking mean it? Yes.
Sure, the “best of both worlds” moniker is offensive and cliché. But maybe there is something powerful about trans women being called the “best” of anything, when we are so often told we are the “worst” of everything.
[i] I use the term “tranny” pretty liberally in this essay. Tobi Hill-Meyer just wrote a fantastic three-part series of accessible essays titled “Let’s Talk About ‘Tranny’.” She brilliantly covers the history/context, the word’s implications, why so many people protest it, and when and for whom it is or isn’t appropriate to use. Since I use tranny so much, I thought everyone should read her post. My thoughts are pretty in-line with hers. Basically, I use it as a reclaimed word, but its still mostly a slur… so use it carefully (if you’re trans) or not at all (if you’re cis).
[ii] I’m talking specifically about conventional, for-pay porn. See here for more on the problematic distinction between “empowering/queer porn” and “exploitative/mainstream porn.”
[iii] There’s nothing wrong with being asexual. I just reject the normative assumption that all trans women with penises should be asexual, even if we don’t want to be.
queerly mad 
Oh WOW!!!! That is fantastic! You managed to put into very clear, and very hot, terms a lot of the feelings and ideas I’ve been trying to figure out myself. My brain is still spinning and I wanted to comment immediately before the impact moved on to the processing stage, but damn!! Thank you!
The idea of a trans-centric sexuality is almost as mind-blowing (in a way that things that seem like they ought to be really obvious are) as the idea of using sexuality to build communities. Spectacular.
You’re my new short-term personal saviour!!
Slainte!
Lorelei Erisis
thank you for this post! as a trans guy who is mostly (but not exclusively) into other transmaculine folks, you made me think and validated a lot of my feelings.
i hear where your transmasculine friend is coming from. personally, though, i do identify as trans, and most of the trans guys i sleep with and date do as well. those who identify as male with no other qualifiers tend to not be the ones i end up in bed or in relationships with. maybe that’s because more of them tend to identify as straight or not participate as much in trans communities? or because we just don’t connect as much? i’m not sure.
i definitely agree with your reasons 1-4, as motivations that i share. i had never thought of sex as community-building before…in my experience, the often “incestuous” sex that happens in small communities can be an obstacle to community building. i would love to try to think of it in a different way.
thanks, also, for hashing out the difference between chasers and folks who are truly attracted to trans people…i often feel wary of cis folks who show interest, and wish i didn’t have to. (also, i figured out i was interested in trans guys before i figured out i was trans myself, so i have been called a chaser.)
it’s interesting that “tranny/shemale” porn constructs so much of trans female sexuality, and there is hardly any ftm porn (especially in the mainstream). i think a lot of that has to do with misogyny and the fact that the mainstream porn industry is run by cis men… i often wish that there were more feasible opportunities for me to do porn/sex work! though it would also probably mean that there were more negative cultural messages around ftm sexuality. (would i rather be fetishized or ignored? again, i’m not sure.)
@Ira: I also identify as trans (as a woman who is trans) and I also find that most of my partners feel similarly. My partners are not all out as trans in every area of their lives (I’m not either) but none them are totally stealth either.
As far as porn goes, I have found that there is far more underground / queer / dyke / alternative / feminist porn that has trans male models, and very few of those genres with trans female models. And the exact opposite is true of mainstream porn, where tranny porn — which IS specific to trans women, which is why as a tranny porn model I hate it when trans guys claim this word, but that’s neither here nor there, lol — is one of the most lucrative types of porn but trans men are very rare. However I will say that some of my trans male friends who do escorting (usually for cis gay men), while more rare, CAN sometimes make way more money than some of my trans female escort friends.
And as for incestuous sex, I’ve never had that problem really. Most of my most intimate best friends and comrades started off as lovers (and many still *are* lovers LOL) and I’m still friends with 95% of my past lovers / partners / fuck buddies. So I guess my experience has been pretty different there. :)
@everyone: thanks for chiming in! I love conversation, and I’m glad folks are getting something out of this piece!
I read this article, and made me wonder if I am a “tranny chaser” in the negative connotation sort of way, and let you know that I realized I held some of the bigoted ideology and made me reassess where my motives come from.
To start off with I would be interested in actually dating a transexual, and being open about it and not just a “sex” thing.
While I am only attracted to transexuals based on how feminine they act. I don’t see it as “Oh wow he isn’t even close to feminine, fail”. I see it more of “She just isn’t attractive”.
Which then brings up, what I interpreted as part of your message, that there really should be another word besides just he/she. Before this article I always assumed that transexuals were born men who felt that they should be female so they try to convert themselves physically to on the outside to how they feel on the inside. However, now (and i’ve realized I’ve kind of felt this way but didn’t know how to describe it) that it is sort of like this analogy, which doesn’t really work(biologically speaking) but it is the best example I can think of.
Male=tiger
Lion=female
Tiger wants to be a lion, so first becomes a liger, then becomes a lion.
However, a liger is not a tiger or a lion. It is a liger, it is its own separate species that blend features and characteristics from it’s offshoot.
Which made me wonder/think about what I’ve noticed. Are ,there men and women born who don’t feel that they are the opposite sex, but feel that they are transexuals?
Would that be why there are some transexuals who despite being able to get gender reassignment surgery keep their penis. Because they don’t feel like they are a female or a man, they are transgender.
I myself see any transexual who gets gender reassignment surgery as no longer a transexual, I see them as female.
I also like the transsexuals I date to be more “passive” in terms of the relationship, but I would want the same from a female too. It isn’t that I expect all transexuals to want to conform to the female stereotype roles of wanting to go shoe shopping, be afraid of bugs, cook, tidy up and clean the house, be unable to fix a car/use tools/”handyman” stuff. It is more of her head on my shoulder during a movie vs my head on hers, her the more emotional sensitive one, ect. Infact most females i’ve dated (as i’ve dated more females then transexuals) could be describes as “one of the bros”.
I kind of believe there are four defining characteristics to describe/label a person
By their physical form
Aka looks feminine/masculine
By their sexual organs/way they have sex
penis/anal vagina
by their dominance/submissiveness
by their “stereotypical gender roles”
I myself am only attracted to feminine form. I have absolutely no desire to be with a male or female who looks masculine.
As for sexual organs/way they have sex I enjoy anal sex the most (both ways but mostly giving), I am attracted to penis-anal sex more then vaginal+anal sex . I just like the penis more as a sexual organ.
I perfer passive vs agressive. This goes towards sex as well as just general everyday life.
Stereotypical gender roles, prefer “male” type of personality/hobbies/ect. Now, this isn’t alpha male macho bullshit, that is the passive/agressive this is just more the sterotype “women love shopping”, “guys like working with tools and hunting.”
I just don’t know if all of this makes me a chaser as you say, or something else.
Hi Curious — thanks for your comment. I’m glad you got something out of my post.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being attracted to feminine women or women with penises. I myself am mostly attracted to these characteristics. If you’re not attracted to masculine cisgender women, I wouldn’t expect you to be attracted to masculine trans women either. I think the key is to respect people’s identities and treat them with respect.
My only comment is: A male-assigned-at-birth transsexual person who identifies as a women, even if she decides to keep her penis, is still a woman. In fact, I identify as a “non-op” trans woman, at least for now, and I still live my life as female. So I’m a woman… just a woman who happens to be transsexual and happens to like her penis. But I’m not a “third gender”, I’m just a woman with a penis. I hope that makes sense.
( That said, there *are* some trans people who do not identify as men or women, but who live as a third gender such as genderqueer. I am not one of those people, but they’re out there. =] )
Great article !
I’m a guy and I’m atracted to transwomen. I have dated out in the open for 2 years a trans women. Everyone knew and I presented her as such to my familly. I really loved her although we didn’t had much in common beside a passion for each other. Like many other passionate relationships it was not healthy and it ended badly.
I truly believe that I am a nice guy. I try to be an honest and truthfull person. And in that respect i feel bad for my attraction to transwomen. This attraction as spawned from porn and I feel it became a paraphilia, a fetish. I always treat my TS dates with respect but deep inside even though I know It can’t go further then a few dates (not GF material) I keep going because I guess what I truly want is the only sexual gratification that I can get because of my fetish. I hate myself for this. I really do.
Since my relatioshp wth a transwoman I feel only able to obtain orgasm wih the presence of male genitalia on a trans woman or crossdresser. I don’t like guys, the idea of being wth a guy is a total turn off, there is not a single doubt here for me.
Anyway I’m stuck with this. I suffer from anxiety and mild depression (went in full depression and suicidal thoughts for a while).
I have tried to restrain myself so hard but I just seem to keep falling down an return to the casual accounter circuit or TS-dating sites.
I’m a really nice guy and very attractive, smart and funny. But I’m alone and lonely I guess.
Maybe I deserve to be hated in the eyes of some transwomen but I don’t feel this way. I’m just a guy who is clueless of how to manage a powerfull attraction and try to cope with it without hurting other people.
By the way I’m single and have almost no sex life (not into escorts and porn(I stopped)) beside an ocasional fling with a transwoman not fitted to be my GF but solely based on physical attraction. I try to keep things to a minimum since I am not confortable with that even though I always say to the girl right away if I don’t see things evolving in a real relationship. Those girls, I guess, would want more but take what I can offer. I don’t feel that’s fair…
I’m trying to do the right thing but don,t know how…
There you go ! from the bottom of the heart of a possible tranny chaser.
Hey Anonymous! I’m glad you liked my article.
I think part of what I was trying to say with this is, basically, it’s *okay* to be attracted to trans women because they are trans. There’s nothing wrong with seeking out trans girls to fuck.
There’s a difference between being a creep who fetishes trans female bodies, versus just being someone who is attracted to them. I don’t know enough about you to tell into which camp you fall… but I think, as long as you are respectful and authentically treat trans women just as you would any other kind of woman, I don’t think you need to feel guilty.
However, it is good to be aware that, as a cisgender man, you have a lot of privileges in this society that trans women do not have. That isn’t your fault, but you have to recognize this and try not to take advantage of your privilege.
Just one off-handed thought, in response to something you said: If a trans woman with a penis identifies as female, than she does not have “male” genitalia. She just has a penis. There is nothing inherently male about it.
Anyway, besides that, good luck dating and dealing with your anxiety/depression!
Best,
Sadie
Oh, and as someone who has starred in porn and worked as an escort, there’s nothing wrong with picking up trans women sex workers… as long as you treat them well and pay them fairly. ;) So you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that either!
If you haven’t already, you should check out my page of trans resources: http://thedistantpanic.com/glossary/
You might learn some helpful things for how to be respectful of trans ladies. :)
Pleasure reading this wonderful article, madame.
The chasers, along with the guys looking for a jump-off or thrilling ride with a female mate who has a penile member tucked away, has almost utterly turned me off to dating period. Sadly, alot of guys who have been interested in me, or are interested in dating (or having no-strings attached relationships), mostly trace their experiences of t-girls back to porn or meeting a girl on an odd night in a club or party, she turned out to have a penis. Some are utter creeps to the rotting pipes in the basement, while others can be really fun and outgoing. Yet, I’m not interested in being a notch on someone’s belt or becoming the “chick that turns guys out with her raw sexual nature and special surprise.” Being Sho’s (that guy’s) wonderful girlfriend is enough for me. Sho = the guy I like.
Furthermore, most of my life, I did live as a tomboyish person, loved boy-centric hobbies, like sports (basketball, football, karate); comic books; certain type of cartoons and movies; and etc. I love being activities that were full of action and danger, and a little heroism. I’ve felt uncomfortable around men in general, more so than other types of gender, especially now. Most of my friends, since middle school have been girls or women (wide ranges of expressions, taste, ages, and sexualities), while most of my male friends are very hetero or openly gay.
For some reason, when a guy says he has a preference for tgirls over genetic (cisgendered) girls, an alarm always goes off in my teeny head behind this large forehead. One guy in particular, a middle aged white guy (whom I spoke with a few months ago) said how much more class, wonderful qualities, and more feminine that tgirls where more so than cisgender women. Don’t get me wrong there are alot of wonderful tgirls out there, just as much as some who have some questionable character, but like other women, what makes them so much different. He could never give something that was concrete or fairly objective Ideally, I’m wanting to be with someone who truly does not see a difference between me and another woman, outside of our looks and personalities.
For another reason, I had a brief friend who got very upset with me when I accused him of being a “tranny chaser.” He said that he appreciated tgirls for who they are and what they represent (???). Yet, he also said it would be troubling for him to be with a girl who post-op surgery, while he even said an -ex girlfriend of his wasn’t doing it for him in the bed room because she didn’t have a penis. His profile friends is littered with cross dressers, pre-op transsexuals, and very androgynous men.
Another thing that turns me off to alot of these type of guys is HOMOPHOBIA and SEXISM. These guys will praise transgender women or (PRE-OP)transsexuals all night, long. Yet, turn around and make some awful comments about gays and lesbians. One of my exes, used f-word liberally, and did not think much about gay men and sometimes lesbians (esp. if they weren’t attractive) overall. That just makes me so mad, and it makes me even more upset to find out that they still consider themselves straight, while also being in the closet about their interests in girls who are in their trans phase. It also does not help matters, when they are either married or are in other relationships. Such wonderful world, this is.
I consider myself a pansexual, and I guess it would be nice to have a mate who is truly the same, one who is gender blind and sees me for the who I am and the creature that breathes in this skin and body. Not just a black woman/person, a person with a nice cock and boobs,a killer t-girl on wheels, or simply a cute face. I think it is a step towards impossible, I look at my cisgendered female friends and see all of the pains and tribulations in their relationships, just as much as how I hang out with guys at work, in activity groups, and in online sports, movies, and relationship forums. I get the sense the modern shallow nature of the western dating world and how men in general view women (a sexual object or glorified mommy figure), it’s not going to be very easy.
great post, i really enjoyed the insight. A bit of a confession on my part – I am turned on by penises (or strapless strap-ons, or anything warm and cucumber-shaped). This means i generally date / sleep with guys, but I also enjoy the company (romantic and erotic) of genderqueer, trans, interest etc. individuals with a penis. I don’t do this very often, though, because I feel that it is unavoidably defining someone by their genitalia, which is a pretty awful thing to do, really.
Not sure that there is a solution to this, just wanted to share. Also, privilege check – middle class able bodied white cis male.
hay, hanks for writing. i’m so deep into it with my translady lover and love reading the musings of rad transwomen.
i have a few things… one, wow, your trans-centric life sounds fucking awesome, how amazing that you have so many transfeminine friends lovers housemates colleages and comrades. so beautiful , i wish that for every transwoman and for all of us in queer community , we are striving to make our dyke subcultures more trans lovin and understanding .. a lil bit rougher in rural southern oregon maybe but it’s fucking rough everywhere. (also hay, I grew up in chicago, glad you’re there and workin on making it a better place.)
so my gf is the first transwoman I’ve dated and I’ve thought a lot about my attraction to transwomen generally since then. ( im female-assigned genderqueer femme)
last year we went to pride in san fransisco and there’s this event they have yearly called “girl talk”… about the relationships between trans and cis women in dyke community. so many beautiful stories. anyway julia serano got up there and got sassy. she was all like “alright y’all so we all love transwomen right but are we afraid of being tranny chasers when we are specifically attracted to transwomen? are we even allowed to say transwomen are hot?” transwomen are hot! we screamed, …. Yes! please!
there is a difference between being attracted to TRANS-specific qualities of transwomen and being attracted to MALE-specific qualities.
oops I gotta go to work. maybe I’ll write a little more later. butt thanks for your words… desire / gender / respect / identity swampy stuff, hot n sticky, love it
xxo,
z
thanx for yr comment! my trans-centric life *is* pretty great lol, and it helps protect me from a lot of (emotional) violence that happens every time i leave my lil bubble. plus: most trans girls have had a lifetime education in how to hurt people, and this mixed with the fact that our self-worth has been consistently demolished and many of us have learned that being fierce and throwing shade at each other can be an effective survival strategy. i feel like it’s so important to build a positive community of solidarity instead of all that drama, ya know? but it’s also so critical to make existing communities like dyke spaces also welcoming of trans people for sure.
i grew up in the rural south, so i hear yr pain about rural spaces! but also true, it’s everywhere. and i’ve heard of girl talk and thought it was a cute idea, but alas, all the things happen on the west coast. :P
solidarity,
rain